I totally smashed the world record today for holding your breath under water 8 minutes 48 seconds.
It all started when the small girl at the swimming baths said to her Dad " that's the man there Daddy"
Statistics say women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms for the relationship. Men say, "Big fucking deal, try faking a relationship just for the shag!"
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your fucking sense of humour."
I'm so worried - I don’t know what to do now postmen have voted to stage a national strike. If only scientists could invent a way for us to use computers to send mail electronically over the internet.
I recently bought a surround-sound system for my TV - it is so crisp, clear and lifelike. My neighbours now think I have the most incredible sex life and can speak eight different languages...
I saw a poster that said, "Breathing air in metropolitan areas can reduce your life expectancy by 2-3 years".I would imagine that not breathing air would reduce it considerably more.
A woman came up to me on street, "A cow was murdered to make that jacket, you know." I said, "I didn't realise there were any witnesses - now it looks like I'll have to kill you too."