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楼主: sidouxx

冷笑话集

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 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-22 21:25:52 | 显示全部楼层
  In the news: Significant drop in drink driving deaths. That'll be because people can't afford both alcohol and petrol.
  
  新闻里说酒驾死亡人数大幅减少。我看是因为买了酒就加不起油了吧。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-22 21:26:20 | 显示全部楼层
  My mum's mentally unstable...I guess I'm partly to blame. Sometimes I watch football holding an Xbox controller just to screw with her head. 我妈精神不太稳定,我觉得自己是有责任的。
  
  有时候我会拿着xbox手柄看足球赛把她搞晕。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-22 21:26:45 | 显示全部楼层
  The doctor tells the patient to undress, she does so and asks, "Where will I put my clothes?" "Hang them up over here," he says, "next to mine."
  
  医生让病人脱了衣服检查。
  
  她脱了以后问医生,“我衣服挂哪儿呢?”
  
  “挂那儿就行了”,他说,“挂我衣服旁边”
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-22 21:27:14 | 显示全部楼层
 So I hear Thailand has its first female Prime Minister. Or has it?
  
  我听说泰国诞生了有史以来第一位女总理。确定是女的?
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-22 21:28:01 | 显示全部楼层
  A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with their pets on the bed. I tried it once, fucking goldfish died...
  
  最近一项调查显示29%的宠物主人会和宠物在一张床上睡觉。
  
  我曾经试过一次,我的金鱼就挂了。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-22 21:28:40 | 显示全部楼层
  When Michael Jackson died he had all his songs played on the radio for months. Its times like this that i hope Justin Bieber doesn't die.
  
  Michael Jackson身故后,他的歌曲在电台连续播放了几个星期。
  
  当时我立刻希望Justin Bieber长命百岁。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-22 21:29:10 | 显示全部楼层
  BBC news: "Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of pounds a year". Fuck, what site are they downloading them off? It's free for me...
  
  BBC新闻说非法下载盗版电影每年造成的损失数以亿计。
  
  靠,这些人在哪儿下的电影?我都是免费下的啊。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 20:59:32 | 显示全部楼层
  I hate everything about my Mother-in-law; her attitude, her face, her daughter....
  
  我看我丈母娘哪哪儿都不顺眼。她的态度,她的长相,她的女儿。。。
  
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:00:30 | 显示全部楼层
  I threw one of my students out of a lesson for wanting to fight. That sort of behaviour will not be tolerated in the French armed forces!
  
  一个想打架的学生被我赶出教室了。
  
  在法国军队里发生这样的事情就是不成!
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:00:59 | 显示全部楼层
  Math: because sometimes Maths is just too hard to spell.
  
  Math的出现是因为Maths拼写实在太复杂了。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:01:25 | 显示全部楼层
  Dark humour isn''t everyone''s cup of liquidised dead baby.
  
  黑色幽默不是每个人的那杯死婴肉茸汤。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:01:48 | 显示全部楼层
  American scientists have finally developed a car that runs on water! Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico.
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:02:05 | 显示全部楼层
  I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say, "He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it."
  
  我最讨厌有人说:他是个好人,你要去了解他。
  
  倒不如说:他是个混球,你要去适应他。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:02:25 | 显示全部楼层
  What's the difference between Canada, Mexico and America? America has nice neighbours.
  
  加拿大,墨西哥和美国有什么区别?
  
  美国的邻国非常友善。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:02:50 | 显示全部楼层
  Every once in a while I stop and think, "I know you can read my thoughts." Just in case.
  
  每过一会儿我就用脑子想,“我知道你能读我的心。”以防万一。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:03:20 | 显示全部楼层
  The world''s newest country was formed today. South Sudan has already gone ahead of Scotland in the Fifa world rankings.
  
  今天世界上刚成立一个新的国家,南苏丹已经在FIFA排名上超过苏格兰了。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:03:50 | 显示全部楼层
  Pandas are the most anti racist animals on the earth. White, black and asian.
  
  熊猫是世界上最反种族歧视的动物。人家是黑的,白的,亚裔
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:04:11 | 显示全部楼层
  If I had a penny for every time someone said I have OCD, I'd have 967274 pence.
  
  如果每次有人说我强迫症我就赚1分钱的话,那我现在应该有967274分了。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:04:49 | 显示全部楼层
  My son is at that age when he''s started crawling. You know the age, "You''re the best dad, can I have a tenner?"
  
  我儿子现在正是会在地上爬来爬去的年纪~
  
  这个阶段你懂的,他还会说“你是世界上最好的把拔了~ 给我100块钱嘛~ ”
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:05:15 | 显示全部楼层
  "iPad is thin. iPad is beautiful." My laptop developed an eating disorder because of that advert.
  
  “iPad纤巧又漂亮~" 我家笔记本看了这条广告都饮食紊乱了。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:06:23 | 显示全部楼层
  Did you know that iPads and iPhones float in water? Go on try it, I promise it's true!
  
  你还不知道吧~
  
  IPad和IPhone是可以漂在水面上的!
  
  还不快去试试,我保证是真的!
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:06:50 | 显示全部楼层
  My wife phoned me at work and said, "I'm not wearing any knickers" I said, "I'll tell the boss I'm feeling sick" She said, "So you can come home early and fuck me?" I said, "No, because I'm feeling sick"
  
  老婆在上班的时候打电话给我“我没穿小内内哦~”
  
  我说,“我马上给老板说我想吐。”
  
  她说:“那你就可以早点下班和我嘿咻了是吧?”
  
  我说,不是,我真的想吐。”
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:07:12 | 显示全部楼层
  Definition of irony:- Fat people having to resort to jogging pants when they can't get trousers to fit them.
  
  真是讽刺:胖纸因为买不到合适的裤子只能去买运动裤。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:07:31 | 显示全部楼层
  What is it with women and periods. Everything is your fault when she''s having one, and it''s your fault if she doesn''t.
  
  女人和月经究竟是怎么一回事呢?
  
  她来月经的时候一切都是你的错;她不来月经还是你的错。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:09:02 | 显示全部楼层
  I looked out on the destruction. Smashed windows, cars turned upside down, a bus on fire, people running scared, police unsure what move to make. . . . I turned to the wife and said 'Chin up darling, you did your best, but maybe I should park the car!'
  
  外面一片狼藉,破碎的窗户,翻倒的轿车,燃烧的巴士,人们慌不择路,警察束手无策。。。
  
  我转向她说,老婆,振作点!你尽力了,刚才应该我来停车的。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:09:24 | 显示全部楼层
  It's been a terrible week in the UK... unless you're having an affair with a cop's missus.
  
  英国人这周过得都不安生,警察老婆和她情夫除外。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:10:27 | 显示全部楼层
  Some of the Rioters caught have been as young as 11 years old. Its fucking disgusting if you ask me. I mean, what kind of example are they setting to their kids?
  
  有些被抓的暴乱分子竟然只有11岁。
  
  简直太过分了!
  
  给他们的孩子树立了多坏的榜样啊?
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:11:07 | 显示全部楼层
  "Hello Norway?"... "Yeah" "This is Britain".... "Yeah" "We need to borrow someone"...
  
  “你好,挪威吗?”
  
  “是啊哪位?”
  
  “英国”
  
  “什么事?”
  
  “我们想借个人。”
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:11:36 | 显示全部楼层
  My son just said to me, "Look at all those policemen on the news just standing there, letting the niggers do whatever they want." "Now son, I've told you before: you can't say that word anymore, it's offensive." "Sorry Dad, I mean police officers." Good lad.
  
  儿子刚跟我说,“看新闻里警察就戳在那儿,放任那些黑鬼想干嘛就干嘛啊。”
  
  我说,“儿子,我跟你说过了,你不能用那个词,太伤人。”
  
  “对不起爸爸,我是说警官。”
  
  嗯,这才是好孩子。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:12:36 | 显示全部楼层
  I see a couple of police cars were wrecked during last night's riots in Tottenham. Rather short-sighted of the black community, ruining 2 of their methods of public transport like that.
  
  我看昨晚Tottenham一带暴乱两辆警车被烧了啊。
  
  这些黑人真是短视怎么能把自己的公共交通工具毁了呢?
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