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楼主: sidouxx

冷笑话集

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 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:13:29 | 显示全部楼层
  If men can''t multi task, how come I can brush my teeth and piss all over the floor and toilet seat at the same time?
  
  要是男人不能同时做多件事情
  
  我是怎么做到一边刷牙一边尿在地板和马桶座圈上的?
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:13:48 | 显示全部楼层
  Me and my wife were driving down the road when we saw a fit blonde jogging by. "That''s what I should be doing", I said. "What, jogging?" she replied. "No, her."
  
  我和老婆开车看见个金发辣妞慢跑经过~
  
  “那才是我应该干的”,我说。
  
  “什么?跑步?”
  
  “不,她。”
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:14:13 | 显示全部楼层
  Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.
  
  那些坐轮椅却穿着脏鞋子的人是闹哪样啊~
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-25 21:14:48 | 显示全部楼层
  Al Qaeda must feel so foolish for attacking America. If they had just waited ten years they could've bought it.
  
  基地组织当年袭击美国失算了吧~
  
  要是他们能耐心等个10年完全可以把它买下来的。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:46:44 | 显示全部楼层
我要努力,不要输给星星
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:47:17 | 显示全部楼层
我要找更多的笑话
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:48:56 | 显示全部楼层
     My wife is going to leave me in 3 weeks because my psychic abilities scare her...
  
  我老婆将在3周后离开我,因为我的预言术惊着她了。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:49:16 | 显示全部楼层
  My rape victim gave evidence in court today. She said "It was the longest 30 seconds of my life." Fucking bitch.
  
  指控我强奸的受害者在法庭上说“这是我人生中最漫长的30秒。”
  
  不带这样的啊,臭女人。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:49:37 | 显示全部楼层
  I eat an apple every day. The wife''s a doctor.
  
  我每天都吃个苹果,因为我老婆是医生。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:50:10 | 显示全部楼层
  Vanish- 'The UK's Number 1 Stain Remover' Is there a number 2 stain remover? My boxer shorts are absolutely fucked.
  
  "Vanish"----英国第一去渍品牌!
  
  有没有第二去渍品牌啊,我四角内裤被洗完蛋了。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:50:27 | 显示全部楼层
  I've just been to the shops and stole some lovely king prawns in a garlic and herb butter, an 8oz fillet steak with creamy pepper sauce, and a luxury rich black forest gateaux. I am not just a thief....
  
  刚去了商店
  
  偷了几只美味的蒜蓉香料黄油明虾,8盎司菲力牛排配浓稠黑胡椒沙司,还有一块浓郁的黑森林奶油糕点。
  
  小偷,也是有品位的。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:50:51 | 显示全部楼层
  Officials in Norway have revised the death toll from the terrorist attacks down from 93 to 76. They must have a fucking good health service over there.
  
  挪威官方宣布恐怖袭击死亡人数从93将为76。
  
  人家这公共医疗服务也太TMD好了吧!
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:51:15 | 显示全部楼层
  My wife's going on a vacation to 'get a break from my constant jealousy'. I wish I was going on a vacation..
  
  我老婆要去度假,她要“逃离我无时无刻的妒忌心理”。
  
  我也想去度假的,哼。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:51:41 | 显示全部楼层
Disappointment (noun): The feeling when you buffer 4 porn videos but cum during the first one.
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:52:09 | 显示全部楼层
  I bought a new necklace earlier that made my skin go a funny blue colour so I suspected it was a rip off. Turns out it was a 24ct gold bracelet.
  
  我前两天买了条项链,然后脖子就变蓝了
  
  真奇怪,我怀疑是仿冒品!
  
  后来发现它是24K金的手镯。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:52:48 | 显示全部楼层
  I was badly abused by my father when I was a child. He made me go with him to watch Arsenal.
  
  小时候我被老爸虐惨了。他竟然逼我陪他去看阿森纳的比赛。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:53:16 | 显示全部楼层
  I know how to reduce the number of Somalians starving to death to zero by 2015. Let them all die now.
  
  我知道如何把索马里遭受饥饿死亡的人数到2015年降为0。
  
  让他们现在都死了吧。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:53:36 | 显示全部楼层
  That's very inconsiderate of Rupert Murdoch to close down the News of the World. What's my cat supposed to shit on now?
  
  默多克把《世界新闻报》关张了实在是欠考量。
  
  我家猫以后拉屎上哪找纸垫啊?
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:53:57 | 显示全部楼层
I watched my first porno the other day. I looked so much younger back then.
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:54:39 | 显示全部楼层
  My solicitor sent me an email to sayear Jon, I thought I saw you in the high street yesterday. I crossed the street to say hello, but it wasn't you. One tenth of an hour: £33.00. Ted.
  
  我的律师给我发了封email:
  
  乔先生:我以为昨天在主街看见你了,就过了马路想打声招呼,但是发现不是你,十分之一个小时请付33镑。
  
  泰德。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:55:01 | 显示全部楼层
  Airlines have banned passengers from taking tweezers on board... Anybody who can hijack a plane using a set of tweezers deserves the fucking plane.
  
  航空公司开始禁止乘客携带镊子登机。。。
  
  谁要是能用小镊子把飞机劫持了就应该把飞机赏给他!
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:55:53 | 显示全部楼层
  What kind of a ridiculous fucking name is that that Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy have given their son, "Bing"? My son Google pissed himself laughing when I told him.
  
  Kate Hudson和Matt Bellamy竟然给儿子起了个这么莫名其妙的名字:必应
  
  我儿子谷歌听到的时候都快笑尿裤子了。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:56:14 | 显示全部楼层
  The real secret in business is honesty. Absolute, irresistible, downright, honesty. Once you learn to fake that, you‘ll make a fortune.
  
  做生意的秘诀是诚信。
  
  绝对的,有说服力的,完完全全的诚信!
  
  一旦你学会假装诚信,你就发达了。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:56:35 | 显示全部楼层
  I remember when Sophie turned me down to our high school prom.. I miss Sophie. So does her family.
  
  至今我依然清晰地记得苏菲在高中舞会上拒绝我的一幕。
  
  我很想她,她家人也很想她。
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:57:00 | 显示全部楼层
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth fairy etc. Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that shit anymore, thank God.
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 09:57:21 | 显示全部楼层
  "Why do people say burnt 'out'?" I wondered. "A building can't be burnt 'in', so I don't see the point in saying it really.""I'll ask you again," the fireman said urgently. "In which room of the house is your wife trapped?"
  
  “为什么人们要说房子被烧掉了,房子只是被烧,又没掉下来,我觉得这样说简直莫名其妙嘛。”
  
  “我再问你一遍,”消防员说“你老婆到底困在哪个房间?”
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 21:15:19 | 显示全部楼层
小外甥闹着要姥姥讲故事才睡觉。妈:从前有个人挎着麻篮去买菜...外甥:不行,我要听奥特曼。妈淡定:从前奥特曼挎着篮去买菜...外甥大闹:不行,我要听奥特曼和机器人打架!妈:从前有个奥特曼买菜的时候和卖菜的机器人打起来了...然后外甥听了奥特曼和机器人为一斤白菜打得头破血流后满足地睡觉去了
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 21:15:51 | 显示全部楼层
发现win7里有个跳棋, 玩了一下午。开始一直输,后来感觉来了走了部好棋,只见对话框里蹦出两句话:牛逼。好棋! 我以为单机小游戏呢就回了个:我操~电脑也会说话。 然后好长时间没动静,最后对方发了句话:大哥,我陪你玩一下午了。您居然就没把我当人看。也忒让人寒心了…
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 21:16:10 | 显示全部楼层
  媒体传姚明期末高数狂砍38分。众网友评论。
  A君:姚明也怪可怜的,不能逃课不说,连考个试的成绩都要全国通报,成绩单都不用寄回家父母就知道挂没挂科了。
  B君:大姚太老实了,这身高,抬下头就能看到前排同学的卷子……
  C君:其实坐在他后面更爽,根本不用担心被老师看到!
 楼主| 发表于 2012-2-5 21:16:32 | 显示全部楼层
九十年代中期,A君家里买了新电视机,松下21寸的,比那之前的14寸大了好几圈。能看大电视,全家当然高兴,尤其是奶奶。多年之后,A君仍记得,当初他奶奶兴奋地问爸爸:“这回新闻联播里那俩广播员应该能看到全身了吧?”
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