冷笑话集

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-14 10:21:19

太特麼險了，在泰國差點不小心搞了個人妖。「她」樣子像女的，摸起來像女的，親起來簡直就是個女的。最後要不是她開車載我去她家，看著她麻利地把車停進平行車位，我突然警覺起來…

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-14 10:22:05

I was having an argument with my wife last night when she said "You know something, You're not half the man you were before we got married. " "Well you're four times the size of the woman that i married, you fat bitch." I replied.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-14 10:22:51

"Its so cold that my windows have frozen!" My GF shouted. "Chill out," I said "just spray some de-icer." 20 mins later. "Has the de-icer worked?" I called her back. "Not really" she said "when I used it there's a lot of smoke, a bang and my computer won't turn on."

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-14 10:23:30

"So, how's life in North Korea?" "Well, I can't complain."

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-14 10:24:22

I never forget to send my wife a Valentine.And then ask her who the fuck she got it from

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-14 10:25:07

美国警方表示他们绝不会忘记9/11。那敢情是啊，你们自个儿电话不就是这个么!

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-14 10:25:53

我看到我们这边儿的男装店为单身男士特价：买一双袜子送一只

rachmaninov · 发表于 2012-2-14 10:56:41

sidouxx 发表于 2012-2-14 10:25
我看到我们这边儿的男装店为单身男士特价：买一双袜子送一只

买两双嘛

rachmaninov · 发表于 2012-2-14 10:56:49

sidouxx 发表于 2012-2-14 10:25
我看到我们这边儿的男装店为单身男士特价：买一双袜子送一只

买两双嘛

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-15 00:18:47

rachmaninov 发表于 2012-2-14 10:56
买两双嘛

买两双，送两只不一样的袜子

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-15 00:20:36

rachmaninov 发表于 2012-2-14 10:56
买两双嘛

谢谢你的捧场

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-15 23:05:38

"爹地，你说这世上真的有鬼吗？" "当然没有啦，孩子。" “可咱家女佣是这么给我说的呀。” “ 唔，这样吗？那咱们得搬家了，我们家可没有女佣。”

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-15 23:06:42

The iPad really is an interactive revelation. It's the first ever device that enables you to browse porn with your cock

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-15 23:07:39

I asked my girlfriend "Babe, the Champions' League is on tonight, can we go out for dinner once it's over?" "What?!" she exclaimed "You want to wait until ten o'clock to have dinner?" "No, don't be silly" I replied, "I mean the 19th of May"

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-15 23:09:09

曼奇尼跟博比查爾頓相遇了。曼奇尼問：「現在的曼城踢得過68年的曼聯嗎？」查爾頓回答：「估計平手。」曼奇尼滿意地走開，查爾頓對著他背影又補了句：「誰讓我們都他媽的30多年沒練球了。」

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-15 23:10:21

每次听到纳粹集中营的故事我都很难过，我的曾祖父就死在奥斯威辛，他站岗的时候从哨塔上摔下来了

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-15 23:11:40

要是哪天真的爆发僵尸危机，我就把自己家周围放上一圈方向朝外的跑步机。然后我就安全了。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-15 23:14:44

为了给老婆一张卡片我去逛了一圈看到一张上面写的：I love you and only you。。但是老板居然20张起卖

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-15 23:20:33

For those who feel lonely this Valentines day: this day is no different. No one loves you any other day of the year either.

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-15 23:21:53

我今天去医院，医生对我说，“史密斯先生，你太太她现在很舒服。”我困惑地回答，“她现在不是处于深度昏迷，生死攸关么？”医生回答，“是倒是没错。但是她太富态了，所以我和别的医生都那她当沙发。”

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-15 23:24:27

Luis Suarez has apologised for not shaking hands with Evra. "I didn't realise it was him," he said. "They all look the fucking same."

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-15 23:26:07

曾侯乙：＂老紙一生榮華富貴死後編鐘陪葬有個毛用！。。。從何說起呢？棺材板上說的很清楚，全白送了呗！~＂

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-15 23:31:43

科学家证实，独自在家并习惯与猫对话的独身女性90%有精神疾病。” 像这种有趣的新闻我的狗还知道很多。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-15 23:37:47

今天闲的蛋疼，打算用哥们儿的QQ邮箱去注册同性交友网站，但是输入邮箱之后，赫然出现了一排小字：您所使用的邮箱已被注册。我仿佛知道了一些什么。。。

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-17 21:24:18

科学家告诉我们世上其实并没有月光这种东西那只是月球反射了太阳光而已.. 好吧那你倒是给我解释解释那些吸血鬼半夜在大街上乱晃时怎么没有变成灰烬!!??

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-17 21:25:24

Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist. I regretted it literally one minute later

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-17 21:26:35

在图书馆 ——“请问，这里有关于怎么喂养食人鱼宠物的有声读物么？” “呃......一定得是有声读物么？” “那必须” 我只好无奈地给她看了剩下的手臂

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-17 21:26:58

I hope my new book does well.It's called "How to be concise and get straight to the point using the minimum of diminutive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible without overly long descriptions and explanations."

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-17 21:27:46

I asked my girlfriend "Babe, the Champions' League is on tonight, can we go out for dinner once it's over?" "What?!" she exclaimed "You want to wait until ten o'clock to have dinner?" "No, don't be silly" I replied, "I mean the 19th of May"

sidouxx · 发表于 2012-2-17 21:28:42

我觉得一直以来对于9/11的宣传都不太对，想想看——总共死了3000来人，里面有20来个是恐怖分子。按美国这些年来反恐的情况来算，这个恐怖分子/平民伤亡比例可是高得一塌糊涂，所以，9/11的成绩明显是值得祝贺的。

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